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| Vic |
| Monday, October 03 2005 @ 07:01 PM EDT |
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Crisis is upon DC and Marvel is in the House of M. For the next few weeks we'll be taking a look at the Batman and Spiderman stories that really warrant a continuity reboot. Our first stop.. #5 Bat-Punisher and the Metrosexual Flashdance Spider-Clone! Read on if you dare!
Ben Reily vs. Jean Paul Valley. Who sucks more? It really is a tough call that I'll leave up to history to decide. On one hand, you have Bruce Wayne's replacement Batman, Jean Paul Valley. He was the guy who talks to voices in his head and was part of a religious cult that somehow Bruce thought was an appropriate replacement over Dick Grayson or Tim Drake. WTH?
On the other hand you have Ben Reily, The guy who showed up and claimed to be the original Peter Parker and that the Peter Parker who was married to Mary Jane was actually a clone.
WTH? I can't say it enough.. WTH?
For a while.. they called him the Scarlet Spider. You can't say that without shrinking your penis or a penis around you.
You can't have a conversation about the worst Spiderman and Batman stories ever without including these two eye rollers. I put them together because of their timeframe and the fact that they both lasted entirely too long. It was the mid-nineties and apparently writers only had one idea a year, so that idea had to last. Sure it wouldn've been ok if the story was a seventies or eighties style two part arc, but these little bastards of continuity lasted over an F'ing year. A story with Calendar Man or Spidey vs. Kangaroo Man lasted one or two issues back in the day, but crap if these little piles of poo flavored fun didn't last well over 12 MONTHS!
Here is the summary for Batman. He fights this guy named Bane (yeah, he was in that fourth Bat film and looked like a Ninja Turtle villian), and gets his back broken. He could've asked Nightwing, Robin, Alfred, or even Blue Beetle to fill in, but no.. he asks a psychotic religious homocidal zealot to fill in. The result... over a year of Punisher flavored Bat cheese. It still hurts.
Spidey's dealio... Well he used to be the hero that could be you, but those days are long gone. I have never married a famous soap opera star/model or shagged a super-heroine like Black Cat. I have never been a member of the Avengers or lived in Tony Stark's office building. Finally I have never been cloned into a blonde metrosexual who dresses like he dreams of being cast into a gender bending remake of Flashdance and told that I was the clone then let him take over my life only to see him decompose on the street because he was the fake... wait.. I think I just summarized it. Did I mention that he was called the Scarlet Spider? That sounds like a Las Vegas hooker.
My favorite part of both of these was the total crap names they came up with.. Maximum Clonage!?! Yeah.. its a pun on the really lame Maximum Carnage story of the year before.. creative five year olds Marvel had working that year I tell ya. On DC's end we had Knightfall, Knight's End, Knights Quest, Knight's Bowel Movement.. you get the idea. If Batman scratched his head that was enough material to fill an issue and the story moved like a snail over crazy glue. Each part of the Knight's whatever saga lasted for months and spanned over 4 different Bat titles designed to suck your money away from other things worth reading at the time.
Hey if I've judged too harshly feel free to click below and set me straight. If you think Ben Reily and Jean Paul deserve more street cred then step up to the plate.... oh who am I kidding.. if you liked those stories, your probably an blind illiterate.
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